So food was – meh. Sleep was interrupted, and also the only thing I really wanted to do all day. I had lost interest in the things I enjoy, and so stopped with the jigsaw puzzles and cross stitch, couldn’t choose a movie to watch if my life depended on it, and people? I was both intensely lonely, and totally uninterested in spending time with anyone else.
Three months on, these are the differences someone might see in me.
I look light, happy, bright. My neck is straighter, my shoulders are down and back, relaxed and easy. I move more freely, and you might not realise I was still in some pain. I still cry a bit, but the tears are back to being the tears of grief for Dad, and so more positive with their gratitude and love. I can think and speak more clearly. I am remembering who I am, recovering a sense of purpose, gratitude, forgiveness, and peace.
Right at this moment, I’m not really doing my ‘job’, as I’m on annual leave, but I’m feeling more positive about it lately. I can feel again, with and for you and me. I can create again, writing, planning, dreaming. I can see Them, Holy One, sit with them, open to them again. I can think – I’m reading and listening and watching the stories of other women who lead, and engaging in deep reflection on my own unfurling understanding of the leader I’ve been and am becoming. Memory is gradually improving, Depression easing, sleep is much better (thank you, weighted blanket). I still do feel somewhat fatigued – I said there was a way to go yet. But I am enjoying Grand Designs and Escape to the Country / from the City type shows with their stories of humans seeking renewal in their lives. I’m doing cross stitch again. I’m spending time with people in various ways, and better enjoying solitude for its gifts, rather than as an unhealthy withdrawal.
And if you look closely enough, you might even see the glimmer of hope in my eyes, that the road to recovery might include a dropping of even the Fatigue, one day. That wasn’t there three months ago!